Talking about the past takes us on an emotional rollercoaster whenever we reminisce on the happy moments we had, the breakthroughs, and most importantly, how everything that happened set us on a path that brought us to the person we love.
Even though we are happy about who and where we are, that doesn’t mean thinking about the past isn’t painful.
If your wife avoided discussing her past from the moment you met, she could be protecting herself from opening up old wounds and recalling memories she has shoved to the back of her mind.
However, you could feel as if she is hiding something or like she hasn’t let you in completely.
Since you have no clue of what she had to deal with and how it affected her, pushing her to open up could create a rift between you and ultimately hurt your marriage.
In a marriage, both the husband’s and wife’s feelings are relevant. If you have valid reasons for wanting to know about your wife’s past, there are steps you can take.
But keep in mind that some aspects of her past will most certainly hurt you, and you will have to live with the repercussions.
You cannot use her past against her, no matter how much it irks you.
Do you feel emotionally ready to handle whatever she might say without it affecting how you view or think of her?
If so, let us discuss ways to get her to open up about her past.
1. Do Not Pressure Her
The more you keep pushing her to tell you about her past, the more she will feel like there is a hidden agenda to your inquiry.
Instead, let her know that if ever she feels ready to talk, you will be there to listen.
Also, tell her why you feel it’s essential to know everything about her past.
Do not be afraid to feel vulnerable. After all, this is your wife you’re sharing your feelings with.
Talk to her in a manner she doesn’t feel pinned to a corner to let you in on her past.
By not pressuring her, you make her feel safe to share her past with you when she feels ready.
2. Share Your Past
Trust is a two-way traffic. If you want your wife to trust you with her past, you must trust her with yours.
Sharing your own experiences—the good and the bad—will leave the platform open for her to share her past with you.
But make sure she knows it’s not a competition about whose past is better or more painful.
Also, avoid statements such as, “I shared my past with you. Why can’t you do the same?”
3. Develop A Habit Of Paying Attention When She Talks About Other Things
We all know how short the concentration span of a man is. How is it that you want her to share her past, yet you can barely listen to two sentences of how her day was without checking your phone or changing the subject?
If you would like her to open up to you someday, you need to practice active listening in your relationship. That way, whenever she needs a listening ear, she will always run to you.
4. Use Tactical Questions
It is most likely that your wife will not just walk up to you and say, “Alright, honey, I’m ready to talk about my past. Let’s do this.”
Now and then, you can use questions that will help you determine if she is ready to open up or not.
Instead of asking direct questions about her past, why not generalize a bit?
For example, you can ask her to tell you something about her family or her friends.
To get to the point of marriage, you obviously know much about her.
You have a hint of what she has gone through in life and the things that hurt her the most.
Use that to devise questions that will not ambush her but get her to open up.
5. Choose The Best Time To Bring It Up
If you want your wife to open up about her past, you cannot try to start that conversation when she is moody and bored.
You will only piss her off and end up in a fight.
You can casually bring up her past when you enjoy spending time together while engaging in your favorite activity.
You will be surprised at how much such a conversation comes up when you are both happy and relaxed.
Make sure you bring it up when there are no interruptions, and try to keep the mood lively so it feels casual for her.
6. Reassure Her Of What She Means To You
We sometimes fear sharing our past in fear that it might be used against us or change how someone sees us.
If your wife knows she means the world to you, that you don’t judge her, and that anything she says or does can never change your feelings for her, she will be more comfortable sharing her past with you.
Tell her you forgive anything she might say long before it leaves her mouth, and show her love even during and after a fight.
Tips for Active Listening and Showing Your Support When She Opens Up
The following are ways in which you can offer emotional support to your wife when she talks about her past.
I. Maintain eye contact
Whether your wife is sharing a happy or painful memory, giving her all of your attention assures her that you care.
Set your phone aside, turn your body towards her, and look her in the eye when she’s opening up.
In doing so, you will also see the non-verbal cues that will help you read the situation better.
II. Do not interrupt
Even if she keeps saying the same thing repeatedly, do not interrupt her when she talks about her past.
If you do, you will disregard what she is saying and the emotions running through her heart.
III. Avoid judging her
Women are clever. Whatever your wife says, if there is a slight glimpse of judgment in your mind, she will notice, and that will be the end of that conversation.
Nothing else should be on your mind apart from what she is saying and how it has affected her.
IV. Display physical affection
Place your arm around her shoulder, run your hand through her back, embrace her, and give her a peck on her forehead.
Physical affection says more than any words can when one is opening up to you.
V. Be empathetic
Put yourself in her shoes. Try to feel everything she is feeling.
VI. Take a break
Some bits of her past might be more painful than others.
When you notice it’s getting too unbearable, you can politely ask her if she wants to take a break.
But do so in a manner she won’t feel like you are cutting her short or tired of listening.
VII. Make it about her
Accept that her past will affect you. However, when she is opening up, your feelings do not matter.
She is revisiting some painful memories, so stay focused on her and her pain.
Do not let her past get to you. Also, avoid giving your own opinion.
Closing Thoughts
Regardless of how emotionally strong you are and how crazy your past might be, understand that your wife’s past might affect you negatively.
Apart from protecting herself, she could be protecting you, too, from getting hurt.
She could also be afraid of changing your perspective of her. Therefore, before journeying down that road, make sure that you can handle anything she says in a civilized manner and offer her your support.
Remember that what you do now, how you treat her, and the qualities you display will determine whether she will open up to you or not.
So, work on becoming that trustworthy friend she feels comfortable sharing her past with.
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