Trust is the most valuable aspect of any relationship. It takes time and effort to build it, yet it is so fragile and breaks easily.
When our spouse lies about something, it causes us to wonder how many other things they could have lied about.
Simply put, one lie causes our spouse to question everything we have ever said or done.
A lie is just a lie, no matter how small. However, lies about involvement with a member of the opposite sex cut us deep.
If you discover that your wife lied about talking to another man, it’s easy to become enraged and start a heated confrontation.
Though you have every right to get upset, getting into a fight about it might not be the proper cause of action.
What are some more innovative ways of dealing with your wife’s deception and rebuilding trust in her again?
What’s The Reason Behind The Lie?
The most crucial first step after a spouse lies is to find out why they did it.
Here, we are not looking for ways to point the blame toward you or other people.
But even when making a medical diagnosis, practitioners try to find the root cause before coming up with a cure.
Your wife’s lie is the ailment hurting your relationship. Before approaching her on the subject, think of why she kept her communication with that other man a secret.
- What were they talking about?
- Who is he to her?
- How often do they talk?
- Are you the jealous type that tries to control her every move?
- What could you have done to make her feel the need to speak with another man behind your back?
Asking yourself such questions will help you analyze how much of a big deal her lie is.
Again, you are not looking to blame yourself but instead trying to have a much clearer understanding of the situation.
That will also help you be calm and composed when you finally decide to discuss the lie.
1. Have an Open Communication
Communication is key in any relationship. That is when we express ourselves and hear the other person out.
Talk to your wife about how her lie has affected you.
You might consider writing down whatever you want to tell her to avoid getting off-topic or angry.
Consider scheduling an opportune time to talk about it. That will give her enough time to prepare herself too, and not feel ambushed.
Let her know that you are not looking to point fingers before discussing the subject, and, therefore, she shouldn’t seek excuses or tell more lies to get herself off the hook.
Once you have expressed yourself, allow her to do the same. Resist the urge to interrupt her or snap when she is talking.
Though difficult, try to remain calm and not be accusatory as she explains why she was dishonest.
After all, you would like her to be honest with you in the future.
2. Allow Yourself to Feel
As soon as you discover the truth about your wife’s deception, as a man, it’s easy to try and be strong, suppressing the hurt it causes.
Instead of walking around the lie, the best thing to do is go through it.
If it’s rage, feel it; if it is pain and insecurity, allow yourself to experience it.
Ignorance will only make these emotions haunt you later in life.
To avoid making matters worse, avoid venting at your wife. Harsh words can be just as painful as lying.
Take a moment to cool off yourself, or talk to a trusted friend about it.
Learn to embrace the feelings and emotions you are experiencing due to the lie rather than fighting them.
3. Keep Your Mind off The Lie
After processing your feelings and some time has passed, thoughts of the lie might remain in your mind.
Overthinking the lie is like poking a wound that’s not entirely healed.
It’s not only painful, but also takes the wound even longer to heal, and is more likely to leave a bigger scar.
Instead, look for ways your wife is trying to earn your trust back.
Maybe she used to carry her phone everywhere, including the washroom, but now she leaves it in the open.
When you do that, whenever something reminds you of the lie, positive thoughts will counteract any damage her past mistake could have on the trust you are trying to rebuild.
You will always go, “She lied… but since we spoke about it, she hasn’t given me any reason to doubt her.”
By not dwelling on the past, you will also find a way to forgive your wife.
Think of her excellent qualities: the times she has been honest with you even though it was hard, her support, and the reason you married her in the first place.
Also, have you lied to her in the past? If you have, was she forgiving?
Then why not find a way to forgive her as well?
4. Work as a Team
You are partners in a marriage union. That means both of you have a role to play in ensuring your marriage lasts.
And at times, you will need to make compromises and overlook some flaws in each other.
Because you still love each other, you can set goals on where you want to be in a couple of months regarding trust.
While you cannot control when it will be restored, you can assess yourselves now and then to see if there is any progress.
Also, talk about how you can relate with those of the opposite sex in a way that doesn’t hurt the other person.
Point out that it’s something you both need to work on, not just her.
Love is hard, and your relationship will be put to the test repeatedly.
To soar through and manage to stick together, you need to trust each other.
You know all this already, and you have both overcome particular challenges in your relationship, thanks to the trust you once shared.
But now that trust is gone, you don’t know how to move forward.
You might wonder, “How can I rebuild trust with my wife and move forward after discovering her dishonesty about the other man?”
We can all agree that trust, once broken, cannot be easily restored.
It will take time, patience, honest communication, presenting evidence occasionally, and basically, a lot more effort than it took before.
By following the advice in this post, you can start taking steps towards a fresh start; the key is to work together as partners and learn to forgive.
Remember, you can both move past the lie.